


Sh*t Out of Luck

by yakvlt



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Bodily Functions, Comedy, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Idiots in Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:07:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27921232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yakvlt/pseuds/yakvlt
Summary: In which Miya Atsumu went on a date with Sakusa Kiyoomi and he went over to his place to use his bathroom (and Sakusa lets him, reluctantly), but Atsumu ended up clogging the toilet.cw: swearing, human waste, general grossness
Relationships: Miya Atsumu & Sakusa Kiyoomi, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 50





	Sh*t Out of Luck

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is kinda my first attempt at making something humorous. Anyway, please enjoy and be nice to me lol

It took Atsumu months to finally muster up the courage to ask Kiyoomi out. You’d thought that everything about Atsumu exudes unwavering confidence, and you’re not wrong, except when it comes to Omi-kun, he’s just plain hopeless (or so Osamu once said)

It’s not that he’s too shy around him either. If anything, Atsumu is the most shameless person alive. It’s just the fact that he’s absolutely unable to express his feelings or communicate to Omi-kun in a non-half joking, non-naggy way. It doesn’t help at all that Kiyoomi pretty much has the same amount of ability to show his emotions as a wall of ice, as well as an annoyingly pragmatic approach to people’s feelings.

Which makes it all so surprising to everyone they know that Kiyoomi actually agreed to go on a date with Atsumu.

“Holy shit. Ya didn’t somehow blackmail him to go on a date with ya, right?” Osamu teased. 

“What the hell do ya think I am, Samu!?”

Of course Osamu was one of the first people to find out. It was a bit of a relief to him because he spent months having to deal with Atsumu sending screenshots of Omi’s texts to ask him what to reply, which frustrates him to no end because 1. Atsumu doesn’t even listen to his advice and 2. Kiyoomi somehow still texts his brother back regularly and replies to his terrible jokes (although he guessed that ghosting your teammate isn’t really an option)

So, anyway, fast forward to the D-day. The date actually went pretty well. Atsumu picked Kiyoomi up at his apartment and they both had dinner at a cozy gyoza place. Kiyoomi suggested it because he wanted something a bit lowkey and convenient, plus the place is very clean. Both loosened up a bit after drinking a few glasses of beer and Kiyoomi seemed to have fun bantering with Atsumu. Funnily enough, he was also starting to get pretty comfortable with Atsumu getting a bit touchy-feely with him (normally he’d flinch and _literally_ scream when touched by Atsumu, or anyone else for that matter)

All was well, everything was perfect. That was, until Atsumu was walking Kiyoomi home and he suddenly felt a bit of a twist on his stomach. No, not the butterflies from being so close to Kiyoomi, he’s already over that phase (doubtful), it’s the stomach twist that you get when you have to go number two.

_That’s a fucking bad timing_

He continued to ignore the feeling, he didn’t want to ruin the night that was already so perfect.

_40% ok this isn’t bad_

_60% no fuck this is bad, I really need to go_

_70% shit, shit, shit, shit, shit_

_80% SHIT alright fuck it. Thank God his place is right across this intersection. I’d swallow my pride rather than shit myself_

“Omi omi, can I use the bathroom at yer place?”

“No. Just hold it until you get home”

“Please Omi-kun, I really need to go, I promise I’ll be quick”

“Number one or number two?”

“Uh, yes?” 

Atsumu really did not want to answer the question, because he knew that Kiyoomi would _never_ let him touch his bathroom if he answered it honestly.

“Which one?”

“Just let me use yer bathroom, jeez. I’ll disinfect everything twice, ya paranoid germaphobe”

“Ugh fine, just be quick.”

They finally arrived at Kiyoomi’s place, after what was a torturous 2 minutes for Atsumu. He immediately took off his shoes and did a speed walk to the bathroom right at the end of the hallway. He unzipped his pants, pulled it down, sat his ass on the toilet bowl and…

_BRRRRT_

The ungodly sound filled the entire 40 sqm apartment. 

_A moment of silence for Atsumu and his perfect date night._

“What the fuck, Miya-kun?” Omi’s shouts were heard inside the bathroom

“Leave me alone, I’m performing my normal bodily functions!” 

“No, fuck, what are you doing in my bathroom? I thought you’re only gonna take a leak!?” 

“Shut up Omi kun, would you rather I don’t finish my business and shit myself on the way home?”

 _Good point, actually,_ thought Kiyoomi.

“God, do it quickly and go home”

“I know, I’m trying, Omi-kun”

“I’m gonna head out to 7-11, I can’t stand to hear you shit right now. Let me know if you need anything and text me when you’re done”

***

Atsumu has finally relieved himself, but at what cost?

Recent Google searches: 

  * unclog a toilet wikihow
  * my poop won’t flush what to do
  * toilet about to overflow
  * how to make diy plunger



_Yep, none are helpful_.

Atsumu has tried looking at every corner but Kiyoomi somehow doesn’t have a plunger in his bathroom. The super spicy curry Osamu made for lunch after Atsumu said that he could handle a few ghost peppers was suddenly an even worse idea now that he’s facing the consequence.

Atsumu, still dying from the smell of his own waste, was already getting frustrated. He CAN’T tell Kiyoomi about this, he’d probably murder him if he finds out, or so Atsumu thought. There was one thing he could do now: text his brother.

> _Samu help me  
>  _ _SAMU  
>  _ _SAMU_
> 
> _SAMU_
> 
> _SAMU!!!!!_
> 
> _WHAT?_
> 
> _I’m at Omi-Omi’s place rn_
> 
> _Good for ya? I guess?_
> 
> _Hear me out ya scrub_
> 
> _What?_
> 
> _What do you do if you clog someone’s toilet_
> 
> _What the fuck lmaoooo  
>  _ _how did you do that ya dumbass lmao_
> 
> _Samuuuu be helpful for once ya asshole it’s yer fault for feeding me that ghost pepper curry_
> 
> _You literally asked for it and said ya could handle it just because you saw someone on youtube did  
>  _ _You only have yourself to blame you idiot_

Atsumu realized that his brother is just going to clown him endlessly and stopped texting him

 _Fuck off Samu._

Maybe it’s better if he takes the matter into his own hands and try to make something that can poke the toilet bowl to remove the clog.

 _Who needs Osamu anyway? Useless, unhelpful twin_. 

Atsumu double checked to see if Kiyoomi had gone home. Seems like Kiyoomi’s still out and about, so he went out of the bathroom to find something he could use as a makeshift plunger, or maybe some baking soda and vinegar just like the science experiment, or he could boil some water to pour into the toilet bowl.

Thankfully Kiyoomi’s place has an overabundance of gloves that Atsumu could use to scoop out some of the water from the toilet bowl and pour it down the shower drain. He poured the baking soda and vinegar down the bowl and watch it bubble for a few minutes and tried to flush it down.

For a second, Atsumu thought he was a genius problem-solver, that was until the toilet started to almost overflow again and the log of waste that Atsumu shat out reappears.

“FUUUUUCK!” Atsumu screams. The stench of his own shit mixed with vinegar was making it even worse, and now he had to steal one of Kiyoomi’s mask so he wouldn’t breathe in the smell.

_Alright, I’m running out of options here._

Atsumu pulled out his phone again and opened his messaging app. Who would be a better guy to ask for help other than the Guardian Deity Himself, Kita Shinsuke.

> _Kita-san, good evening. Are you still up?_
> 
> _Hello Atsumu, It’s late. I’m about to go to bed, actually_
> 
> _Oh, sorry about that, Kita-san. Can I ask you for help?_
> 
> _Sure, what’s wrong?_
> 
> _What do you do when you clog someone else’s toilet?_
> 
> _Do you have a plunger?_
> 
> _No, actually_
> 
> _That’s too bad. I found this article, maybe you can try one of these_
> 
> _(Link to Article)_
> 
> _I’ve tried baking soda and vinegar, but unfortunately it didn’t work..._
> 
> _What about boiling water?_
> 
> _That one didn’t work too_
> 
> _I’m afraid I can’t be of much help right now, Atsumu._
> 
> _I would just tell the homeowner and ask for their help. Good luck, though. I have to go to bed now._
> 
> _Thank you, Kita-san, sorry for bothering you this late._

  
Atsumu was squatting in front of the toilet bowl and sulking. Even the Guardian Deity can’t help him now 

_Maybe I can use a plastic bag to pick up my log and double bag it and chuck it down the garbage chute…… It’s a perfect crime, Omi-kun won’t find out I clogged his toilet. There won’t be any evidence, and all I had to do is to brave myself to shove my hand down the toilet._

It was something that Atsumu was very serious about doing, and he already prepared everything: the gloves, the plastic bag, another plastic bag to double bag the shit, Kiyoomi’s deodorant that he found in the cabinet so he can deodorize the shit (not sure if it will help).

The bathroom door was wide open so that the stench can leave the small space.

And just when he was about to reach his hands into the bowl…

“Miya-kun, you took so long I had to- what the fuck?”

Atsumu’s face went pale and cold, his soul had left his body.

“I, uh, can explain?”

Kiyoomi looked around at the mess Atsumu made and froze. He looked like he was about to die. Atsumu readied himself to be yelled at, but Kiyoomi only sighed, and squatted down. He’s lost the energy to get mad at Atsumu, or maybe he just couldn’t bring himself to actually be mad at him.

“Miya-kun, did you clog the toilet?”

“Err, yeah?”

“You literally could’ve just told me, there’s a plunger right behind the cupboard”

“I didn’t find one and I’ve been looking around everywhere”

“Yeah that’s because I hid it so I don’t have to see it. Plungers gross me out”

“I don’t want you to get mad at me for clogging the toilet, that’s why I didn’t tell you” Atsumu pouted, while Kiyoomi massaged his forehead to keep his sanity.

“I know, this toilet has been a bit weird since I moved in and the landlord hasn’t done anything about it. That’s why I was hesitant to let you use the bathroom and asked if you were going to take a shit or just a leak”

“You could’ve told me about that?”

“Well, I assumed you wouldn’t shit bricks into my toilet, Miya-kun”

***

Kiyoomi got too grossed out to help Atsumu clean up his mess, so instead he stood outside, directing Atsumu on how to clean the toilet in the way that fits his hygiene standard. Atsumu was surprisingly pretty compliant, at least compared to his usual brattiness. Perhaps he was feeling a bit bad about the earlier incident. The whole thing took about 1.5 hour and by the time Atsumu is done, he was almost dead from exhaustion. 

Kiyoomi let Atsumu take a shower at his place and Atsumu headed home immediately after, few words were exchanged in between. 

The walk home was pretty excruciating for Atsumu. Maybe it’s the worst date that Atsumu has ever been in and everything was his fault. Nothing could top the embarrassment for him and he couldn’t imagine what would happen if his teammates and friends find out.

A notification sound went off on Atsumu’s phone when he was walking home. It was Kiyoomi. Atsumu was already fully prepared if he didn’t want a second date with him after the whole incident.

> _I’m not mad at you. I hope you’re not thinking that_
> 
> _Really omi-kun?_
> 
> _Yeah. Just don’t clog my toilet again next time._
> 
> _“Next time” huh?_
> 
> _Sure. Let’s go out again next time_


End file.
